Sunday, September 23, 2007

Shell Patterns, Organic Art, Failure-Survival, Not as Clueless as a Freshman

This collage above is seemingly random and out of place, but in a twisted way it is not. I took these pictures in the Blue Horizons post-withdrawal aftermath. There are these chairs in this remodeled classroom in the second floor of the Geology Building at UC Riverside that actually have this material pattern on the chairs. They look like bivalves or brachiopods. More like bivalves. Take your pick. I wonder whether my advisor, Dr. Mary Droser, had a say in the interior decorating of this room. I stared at these chairs all of two years ago, during a year of great internal depression and turmoil at UC Riverside. I would be blasted with information about geology during weekly guest speaker talks. I was there because I was a body count. I wasn't there out of choice. Such is the dilemma of being a part of a small department. The Body Count Effect. Show up to events not out of choice. Sucks. Things were a bit tight that last year of graduate school. Communication skews. Yet, out of stress, in this environment of failure and high anxiety, in the room of endless talks and my presence of body counts, in this very room, I had the ability to focus, and partly erase failure with success: such was the sight of my filming big parts of my film: the plasma lamps, the intro in the graduate room. It was a document of history: a history of personal meaning and positivity as a child, a history of mental chaos in a most recent year of graduate school, and now most recently, a time of initiating completion, a time of progress. A time of self-discovery and releasing the chains in my mind, to continue to explore as a CCS student once again. Or I have this false illusion of this feeling at this very moment. Watch that be erased Monday afternoon. Nah. Things should be fine. I was creating a song in the car that goes as such:
I'm not as clueless as a freshman
but I'm clueless nevertheless
random energy channeling
question values, meaning of society
the same a freshman in a grocery store
in endless choice and indecisions' core
trying to survive mentally
when the system's in mask and crumbling
I stare and beam at my elders' eyes
and back a knowing smile or look of despise
yet oh yet, I shake my head
for I have a right, I have a right
to question all you have built upon
for this system beneath my feet's falling down
and I need to know why and how
as a clueless freshman and a curious child
to survive beyond the death of your failure of now
to survive beyond your death, to build a new tomorrow
and so I knock on your door
in fear that you may know
I'm not as clueless as a freshman
but I'm clueless nevertheless....
Hopefully professors may appreciate my presence. At least I'm not as clueless as a freshman. Good luck to me

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