Monday, May 12, 2008

193. Addiction to Humans:: Addiction to the Internet

My brain is scattered.
It suffered from potential loss, but such was not the case.
Everything in my mind was exaggerated, blown way out of proportions.

Perhaps because of my own symbolisms: very subtle to others,
but cancerously magnified in my mind.
I did things I usually don't do,
and to be put in a position to do things I don't normally do,
and then to be caught off the wrong place and wrong time to not fulfill
the purpose of these symbolisms,
I crash and burn inside.
I run and hide and cuss myself out and the world in embarrassment.
But everyone else is frickin' clueless about my internal battle
to extrovertize internal thoughts and feelings.

To think that a human would flip out to the nth because she put her hair down
and not have it in the usual 99.99999% of the time ponytail to neutralize her appearance.
Rule #1. Only in front of the camera. Hair down only in front of the camera.
Camera = utopia. Creating Reality. Not observing and dissecting it.
And hiding and lurking within it in the limelight.

But that's the discrepancy between my own vulnerable Reality
versus the Reality to the world outside.

In the end, it doesn't matter.
Everything is fine.

The strangest thing about becoming addicted to other human beings
is the degree of similarity on how I became addicted to the internet.
The internet became some form of technology that if I were not near it,
I wouldn't be able to think or function.
I would make these excessive to-do lists of things to look up on the internet
during a year in college I did not have internet at home.

The internet became ingrained within my thought processes.
But true.

Now I get supersaturated and I can purposefully isolate myself from the internet.
I have control of temporary detachment.

Not only other human beings become a part of your environment...

It's almost as if you slow down and track your thoughts,
that you are projecting your thoughts... perhaps to yourself... but perhaps to someone else.
I am no longer communing with a computer, but with a vision of a human face, mediated through a computer.
A channeling of mental energy. So much energy so quickly.
Your mind establishes this mechanism of a pleasure center being stimulated
upon site and conversation.

And then the potential to break off all these strings and layers of time?
Your mind hits a wall?
It's a state of chaos.
Investing energy and thoughts projected in a particular projection
And then hitting a wall and not being able to project this energy to this entity anymore?
Oh, agony!
It reminds me of The Green Mile,
all the demons flying out of the giant African American prisoners' mouth.

Your mind starts to layer another human (like a place, Santa Barbara, like a technology, internet) with this spider web of cognitive maps of understanding and interactivity, it's so bizarre... Gruesome too. Like the Alien wrapping human bodies with spider-like silk just to implant eggs inside them so baby Aliens can grow up in them. But I am only visualizing the wrapping parts. No parasites here. Just mutualism.

And the spider web grows out in space the more in time you interact.
And I guess that also represents how I felt when I gained Talei and lost Talei back to China.
Everyday we would both work hard and at the end of the day we would jog together, have fun,
make dinner, talk, watch movies sometime. A pleasure center stimulated.
Then she's gone. And your mind re-prioritizes everything. Not to mention withdrawal.
All the strings of our experiences and places we visited detached.

The spider web detracted, and all became diffuse. Scattered.

My dad said that Talei was my "soulmate." I told her everything, and from some to great degree, she understood. Despite our such disparate backgrounds, we come to the same conclusions. Through the help of Talei, I was able to write my Question Reality manuscript. And NO, I am not "gay" though she did challenge me to the thought. Ha ha. I know for SURE. I have traced my thought patterns and have scientifically verified no mental projections onto other females. EWWW!

The internet became ingrained within my thought processes. To think that a human could become ingrained within my own thought processes? Scary. Happens all the time though. Multiple humans. But I mean one? Well, I do admit when my dad goes to a conference and is gone for a week I go through withdrawal because I talk to him all the time. Shxt. I'm mentallly addicted to my dad. I guess that's a neurologically objective, yet humanly harsh way of saying that's "father-daughter love". Whatever.

But I am thankful though. To think that another human could re-organize my entire mind and present a sense of order and purpose and make Reality seem a lot less daunting and more manageable.... Just to keep me in once piece? Talk about addiction.

I think addictions are dangerous if you are not aware you are addicted. Addictions become "healthy" (like my jogging addiction) as long as you know--are conscious of--becoming addicted.

If I go through loss, it will be a great withdrawal.
It would be unbearable. I experienced the chaos of it today. I can't deal with that right now.

I wish I knew how I could externalize my "counted blessings" and "thankfulness for my addictions"
(no, I'm not religious!) without feeling humiliated again from my external manifestations of my internal cancerous symbolisms.

That is to be another experiment.

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