I have come to formulate the most tragic epiphany of my life: that the central organizing principle (central frame of reference) of the human mind revolves around two elements: survival and replication. Barebone desperation, and the process of seeking and convincing the kin-trust of another random human. The structure of human brains did not evolve to survive in the ecological condition of a mega-university. Intellectual byproduct (e.g. journal article publications) is just a consequence and condition of the former process: co-existence with another human of the opposite sex.
I have come to master the survival protocols, but I find this whole other element of mental organization to be truly tragic. For all these years, I have painted this image of individualism and self-sufficiency and independence, only to now acknowledge this state of the need to "mentally latch onto at all strings and scales" with another human, lete alone with a meaningful "tribe" of humans. I have come to realize through my experiences at UC Santa Barbara that I have come to mentally and emotionally attach to my "intellectual kin" much more than much of my "biologial kin."
I am still in denial of this dire epiphany (like the religiously devout who preach daily on Absolutism and are in denial that Religion Evolves). Ever since I met a great friend who is a guy, my writing and art started to flow again. I started to function again in a holistic sense. Move on with my systematic progression in life. And I am rationally pissed off about it, though I am going to have to succumb to and accept the mammalian and reptilian properties of my brain. There are some elements of my mind I cannot scoop out. There are some things I cannot change and must accept.
No wonder a small handful of intellects I look up to have asked me, "Do you have a boyfriend?" And in the deeper past have stuttered, "No." Like I am an All-American Cultural Sinner. Go join the QuirkyAlone Club in San Francisco!