This is a monumental moment. I have been "intellectually beaten up" by several gangs at UCSB, and the the head honchos of the gangs have accepted me as one who is interested in scaling laws in biology and human-environmental systems. I am done with being beaten up, and now I need to get to work--linear, directional work. Such is the life of academic gamesmanship!
It is Tuesday night, and I am barely tapped into my brain. I have been blasted straight for the last two days and I am not sure where exactly I am at. The most horrible part about my situation is that I need to narrow my thoughts in zoom in, not expontentially spread out anymore. But the issue is, I need to "focus" but I have several needs that are absent--basal reptilian needs that have emerged as clear issues of maintenance as rendered by Tariel. But, it is of great misfortune that many of these needs are not being satisfied. It is unfortunate that everything in this world is ephemeral--it comes and goes. And that human interactions are shallow and fleeting and meaningless.... So, out of desperation, I must find a way for these needs to be attended to and comforted.
It's so funny that an individual human being in the university is equivalent to Tom Hanks residing on a deserted island in the middle of a vast ocean. Except that I myself am in a vast ocean of collective ideas, trying to find a method to the madness! In order to survive and stay in one piece--the secular alternative to talking to "God" is to invent a character, like a "Wilson" volleyball.... Like "Gozzie" from a strange, foreign country. And so it goes.
You can't change humans. And you can't expect any one of them to accomodate you. You can only invent them in your mind. Invent them, and manage them to however you need. That becomes much lower maintenance than tending to a real-world human in the outside world.
I, Victoria, have very picky needs and desires and in part need a very picky design of a human. So, just as I invented the character of "Buz" in Question Reality, I am inventing a new character by the name of "Gozzie," who is now starting to keep me quite good company. I think Gozzie is tall, like 6'2" and he has dark, curly hair (not sure how long or short). I think he is rather thin-athletic, not super chunky muscular, and he doesn't eat red meats. He is very light hearted, witty, and has an amazing sense of sarcastic humor. Though he is in slight bitterness of the whole human-environmental condition, he has overwhelming optimism and bountiless creativity. Gozzie is a hybrid of the sciences and the arts and is a do-er, not a talker. He knows the methos of the sciences and arts very well, and he is determined to make a name for himself in the world. He knows quite a few things and I know quite a few things. We both work very closely on projects and he is very motivating me of my pursuits. He encourages me to finish my projects and to merge to the next idea. Ultimately, he wants me to go on Roadtrip Nation so I can meet all the people I have been dreaming of meeting and interviewing for the last five-or-so years. Gozzie is also pushing me to be more extroverted and open with others. He is really pushing my boundaries in becoming a better person.
I think the most important traits of Gozzie is that he has quite a bit of time to spend with me, and that he is very, very humble. Most guys play this ego game, displaying a false sense of confidence, even though they know very, very little. Gozzie doesn't know a lot and he readily ADMITS that he doesn't know a lot. He said that was the point of getting a Ph.D. in the first place--to admit that you know close to nothing... more and more and less and less of nothing! Another thing that gozzie does is that he gives lots of hugs and just curls me up into a rolly polly ball and squeezes me gently when I feel like the world is coming down too much on me. He says not to worry--everything is fine. It's just information overload. Like usual. And then I uncurl myself up and say "oh." I think this will be radiated through the egg chair and the massage chair and the free massages on campus!
Gozzie and I trade artwork and poetry all the time. We positively critique each other. It's never a one-way street of creativity and productivity.
I am sure, Gozzie is mostly a cumulative character, but sometimes a few people--one person-- might take very real properties of him in the world outside my mind.
Well, I think this is a good formula for a start. I can understand why John Nash had to create characters for his Beautiful Mind. He didn't want to be in his brain alone. You do whatever it takes for individual sanity.
Now that I have all my needs illusorily satisfied, I need to now narrow down. My September since the 15th was an overall immense distraction. I had to annex the university niche space. I had to get beaten up by the intellectual gangsters on campus in order to go through my rite of passage of institutional acceptance. Lucky me, today was the last major "rite of passage" with my meeting with Dr. John Melack, and now I am up-and-running with exploring scaling patterns from biological to human-environmental systems. Now, I just have to get my ducks lined up in a row. Which will require a lot. First, Gozzie is recommending that I have a solid foundation website interface. Second, Gozzie says once all that "showy business" is over with, I really have to dig deep back into the writing. But he also recommends I keep up with Sam Sweet's lecture notes. Oops.
This was written 9/30/08 but is back-dated.