Friday, May 15, 2009

432. Poem "Subversivity of Dental Self Destruction"

Subversivity of Dental Self Destruction

If you hide it,
then there is something wrong,
and the vice
may be
even more so
than those revealed
to the openness
of their ripped sleeves."

I show my vice
on my teeth.
Decaying my whites
with Werthers
upon Werthers
denied with
sugar-free xylitol
tic-tac mints--
it's not that bad
relative to smoking
or alcoholism
or wrist slitting
or designing malicious bugs
for other computers
to self-destruct.
Or suicide cult planning
or bombing other countries
or just being an overall
pest to humanity
for my own vilenesss
of consumption
of valuable resources
and production
and nonutile wastes--
depending on the scale

of my operations.

Carameled sugar is an addiction
to feed a rapidly firing mind
for potentially up to 12 hours straight
of writing and thinking
and clinging to a computer
because she seeks what is written
on the computer
to one day reflect what is in her mind.
Mind mirrors
Computer's electrons
Mirrors mind.

And she is overwhelmed
by the influx of such splendid ideas
and notions of her surroundings
to a point of cumulative doom--
for she cannot keep up
and the sugar fix rises even more.
And all for what?
To become a better writer and artist?
I am destroying myself
to become better?

Day in, day out,
despite occasional brushing
and flossing and poking
and mouthwashing,
the bacterial colonies
move in, invade, occupy
establish incumbency,
and carve their crevices--
oh dear to think
I'm fostering an ecosystem
of malaise
in my major oral opening.
Good for the bacteria,
they are having a party,
I am sure,
yet not so hot for me.

But I dread and tread
myself, heavily into the
sterile multimilliondollar offices
of the dentist.
I hate him? Even her!
Because it costs so much?
Because some of them go to the realm
of aesthetics--beyond functionality?
Because they create dental problems--
hence my financial problems--
that don't seem to exist?
Because some of them are incompetent?
Because they have control over something
I cannot control and manage myself?
I cannot operate myself for fillings
and crowns
and bridges
and one day

Because I have
absolutely no control?
Oh yes, I'm slipping....
I am assuming I have no control.

I wonder where these dentists come from.
Why they even exist?
A few million years, billion years
without their functional
and aesthetic
and even technological existence.
Humans used to live till age 30.
Now it's 70.
But humans never ate sugar,
till the mass produced
canning and preservations of foods.
The dawn of sugar
was the dawn of dentists.

The dawn of strange biology people--
or dental jewerlyists--
who make a fantasmic monetary living
looking at, taking X-rays of,
poking at, sticking needles into,
chiseling away at, filling materials in to,
leaving something
slightly unfinished
so that their helpless
dazed and confused
customer limp in a fancy electric seat
can return for more pricy labors
of functionality to aesthetics
for the most beautiful
of perfect smiles of bleached coral white teeth
of small handful of overhyped movie stars,
with mine full of holes, stained yellow and brown
and I shall never hold a grin so parfait
as those pixelated figures on the screen--

So I smile with my eyes,
and somehow some people seem to like it.
I hide the sin of my mouth,
for the Culture of Perfect Teeth
has made my mouth a sin,
and I even feel shame myself.

You are
what you wish for."
And in the depths
of subversivity
of dental self destruction,
I somehow clutched to a wish
for the vanishing
of an array of external boneage
within my mouth.
I wished to dream a high price profession
that would allow me to set aside funds
for a fresh set of implants
after a resum-ation
of years of painful, slow, aggravating decay--

And--I am receiving
what I wished for.
The slipping and shifting,
from the whites,
to the yellows,
to the dark brownish blacks,
the relying and crutching
on exterior knowledges and technologies
to save me
to account for my vices
rather than me
clench to myself
and save myself--
not just for this moment,
but here on out--

rather than me to say--
I am my only beast
of self-management
of self-sustenance at hand--
and I have no one to help--
no one to hold me up
in my own island
of complexity--
my own internal dialogue
of conflict
and slight self destruction--
so why not take care
and to "love thyself"
and internalize
this externality
this stained vice
this crippled smile
only with the eyes?

"The originals are always the best--
Replacing your teeth with implants
is like purposely trying
to acquire a knee implant."
"That's absurd!"
Sisters exist to keep the absurd mind
from tumulting into decay of thought.
A mental snap
before a filling chips out

and disturbs my
vulnerable stomach?

What to do?
Slow the decay?
Slow my mind?
Get my head off of sugar meth
with half the velocity of thoughts
running through
per second of time?
It's okay to think slowly
and thoughtfully
though the world spins
like a waffling top
by a El Capitan cliff
of doom--

What is my new vision?
It is my own choice
to live... with...
or live... without...
my own evolutionarily-designed
crunching and grinding cubes.
My vice shall be my vice,
yet minimize it!

I will care as much as I can care
for my own Beastly Self
and I will hold my frail, splintering bones in place
for the longest possible
that I foreseeably can
within my own possible means.

How can I bother to think
of sustaining the world in its entirety
if I cannot even bother to
concsciously sustain my own microcosmos?
to the highest of standards
and healthiest of means?

And in last resort,
in daunting screams of pain?
Then I shall go visit the dentist.

Don't be down on yourself.
It is such paradoxical tragedy
no matter how much
I subversively deconstruct my teeth
my gums hold strong like
a child's fresh sand castle
that still has the capacity
to last long
in an ephemeral sense.

The dentist must become
my appendix,
an optional removal,
not my lungs,
not my emotions,
not my smiles,
not an unhealthy vice
that drags down the rest
of the blossoming
of my mind's heart.

UCSB Dental Clinic
Call for appointment 1:30pm
corporate time.

10am May 21.
Start with Tooth #12.


Victoria "Stokastika" said...

It's daunting to think all of this time I have never written a single blog about my issues with my teeth... and my relationships with past dentists. A poem is a start. And a seeking of alternative addictions. I'm going to have to start DRINKING mouthwash if I consider placing another piece of candy in my mouth!

History of dentistry.
I never saw the dentist as a kid. Once at age 5 and once at age 16. Maybe once at age 12. I accumulated a lot of plaque, but that was removed quite easily. I was old, but the dentist was a bubbly-eyed freak who looked like a rockfishdumbass that was just caught and was so shocked that its eyes popped out. I didn't like this dentist's charm, but apparently he got his job done, and I got some toys along with it.

Teeth became a problem post anorexia and in college.
I was with Melissa (honeybee) studying in the library at UC Davis. Consumed a small package of dubble bubble. Started around December, right around when I started writing and consuming lx.
Bubble gum presentation = History of bubble gum for the IST-90 course.
Continued to amplify bubble gum consumption.
Became worst, Santa Barbara, once every two weeks, made trips to Walmart (north and south) to buy 20bags of dubble bubble.
Dr. Rolphe is the first dentist.
Supposedly 24-7 dentist.
I called crying in pain.
Decay rapped all around the gums.
Fillings came out few months later.
Potential for lawsuit.
Went to Dr. Beck for two years.
Based in Goleta.
She was good, but very slow.
Also went to Dr. Anderson?
for root canals and one Chinese doctor to pull a tooth in the lower back left. I did that because it was "cheaper" to remove a tooth than keep it. That was a stupid decision.
Dr. Beck was good but slow.
She charged for it.
And I sat in the seat about three times as long as I did when I was in the dental offices at UC Riverside with Dr. Reed/Randall.
My mother and Dr. Beck's office had financial disputes, along with the insurance company.
I graduated from UCSB.
For a while, I stopped consuming bubble gum and boned up on carbs.
Gained biomass along with tennis.
That year I was calm and studied very well under Dr. Armand Kuris and Cal Veg folks. I was with my friend Meg all the time. It sucked to not be on Sugar Meth.
I started graduate school at UCLA and started to consume a few Werthers Original in the evening (favorite candy from when I was a kit, stocking stuffer), and I was an ice scream addict for the whole year. I was a very heavy set--160 lobs--and accumulated a lot of crxp in my xss and my legs.
I started getting depressed at UCLA combined with meeting cool geologists at UCR and went on leave of absence. I consumed no candy that year. My teeth were stable.
I started school at UCR in 2005 and my candy consumption skyrocketed, though I was heavy in biomass, still (Riverside isn't the most inspirational workout place, you know).
I started to see Dr. Reed and Dr. Randall in spring of 2006. My teeth decayed rapidly while alone in my apartment near by my parents house.
I had one tooth that was going completely to shxt all during 2006 and 2007 while most of my mouth remained stable, and in April of 2007 I had a "ride of my life" from Orange County to Corona, Calfornia and wrote a poem called "Nipping a Nerve." For one week, I was in absolute pain, experiencing the violent Neuronal Death of a Decaying Tooth. At one point I was crying myself to sleep every single night for three nights in a row (one night being at Jean's and Chuck's house). I took over 20 advils in one day and was mourning as if I were a mentally disabled creature in a hospital on the last day of her life. Then the next morning I woke up and felt nothing.

The nerve had finally died.

I lived with a dead tooth with a huge cave in it until the end of summer (2007? that's when it started to decay? I was living alone during the Blue Horizons program). Maybe it was March of 2008, that is when I discovered I got into graduate school. It was a glorious day. I was in Corona, California during Spring Break, and I started to work on "The Evolution of Art" in photoshop, but never finished the project... because I had no one to see me through to the other side of the adventure.
By that time, I started to take care of myself and see the dentist again. Nothing could be done with the dead tooth with a cave. It was taken out, and finally I was given the go ahead for a bridge. Now I have two bridges. Fuddhamuckacrockindity! (New word here). Then I met *riel and he had disdain for my stained teeth (which were scraped off in Fall of 2008 in a visit to the dentist and hygenist at UCSB when my first month became haywire stress and adverse relationship with one of my advisors). In July of 2009 *riel had a major dental surgery a little bit after the Zaca/Goleta fires and I saw him in the dim faded light. He looked so vulnerable and helpless, and it melted me, and I tried to help but I also had to get my dental work done in Riverside (as well as a dilemma with an external hard drive crash). He received a surgery for an implant and had to be completely passed out. He said he was glad I was there, and then a few days later all things changed and he started to push me away and didn't want to see me anymore. It's funny how something can click so rapidly like so. Just a few more excursions of the summer. At one point, a week before the surgery I felt strangled, and then after that became the internal struggle, which left to a complete fall apart, decay at the end of September. School started, and my brain went to complete hxll. And then my teeth henceforth started to fall apart. By the end of December, I met Jules for the first time, and life slowly started to get better, and then... it became really nice by March of 2009--going down someone's rabbithole, you fall in so nicely and willingly and easily the first time around because there are no rules and precautions... and honestly the second time around my guard went up, that the relationship evolved two months by the time I could come close to embracing the depths of Jules. And embracing my own vices and improving my states of health.

Here I am now. I have a dentist appointment next Thursday. For the "love" and care of myself and all people and things around me... the least I can do is ameliorate my vices.

Victoria "Stokastika" said...

Hector and I had a conversation about dentists, and he described them as "reverse gold miners:" instead of extraction of gold and valuable minerals from a cavity, you are sculpting them and placing them into an oral cavity! Ha!